People's Army of Sonoma

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about
mouse poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have
to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs
sealing.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the
hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena
has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone
along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl
in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse to put
'Under God' on their cans .

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of
water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up
in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
don't support our American troops or the Salvation
Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill
with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and
Uzbekistan.

I no longer flash my headlights at cars who forgot to
turn theirs on, since I'll probably be hunted down for
it as part of a gang initiation.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown African spider is lurking under
the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my
butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
$5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably
was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath
my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas
from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest
your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know
this will occur because it actually happened
to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a
lengthy study, has discovered that people with
insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with
their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

AND YOUR NOT DEAD YET. Thank-you for the valuable info.

What disturbs me is that I received almost all of those e-mails myself. Is it a conspiracy that we were on the same mailing list? *shakes head*

I'm really wondering how I'm gonna get my gasoline today, because I can't walk around the car to put the gas in, due to the probability that car jackers are just waiting to jump in the car and drive it off when I exit the drivers door. (e-mail from last month)

Well, at least they will not get to far.. With no gas in the tank.

Ooooh, and some I have learned:

I have won the UK Lottery, now, every week for the last six to eight months.

Somewhere, a widow has been left a large sum of money that she no longer has use for, and has selected me to be beneficiary.

Several Asian, Middle Eastern companies are wanting to expand to the American borders. But due to technical difficulties, need me to be custodian to monies, so they are able to transfer funds so they can do so. (Not sure who puts thier name, address or otherwise on the dotted lines for this one. But I get several of these a week, that I turn in as spam.)

Hehehe, speaking of which.. Here is one from Chile.. Am I the only one that gets these? This is one of them where he is even trying to make it sound in this one like the funds are here and I am supposed to pick them up or the sort. I would figure this is something that my 10 year old kid might fall for. this is an actual E-mail I get.. I could post one of the can you help us post. I did not get one today though.

MY DEAR,

I'M HAPPY TO INFORM YOU ABOUT MY SUCCESS IN GETTING THOSE FUNDS
TRANSFERRED
UNDER THE CO-OPERATION OF A NEW PARTNER FROM CHILE.PRESENTLY I'M IN
CHILE
FOR INVESTMENT PROJECTS.NOW KINDLY CONTACT MY SECRETARY AND ASK HIM TO
SEND
$800.000.00 WHICH I KEPT FOR YOUR COMPENSATION. HIS NAME IS JAMID PAUL.
EMAIL ( jamidpaul5@yahoo.ca ) EMAIL HIM THE FOLLOWING INFORMATIONS TO
ENABLE
HIM SEND YOUR BANK DRAFT OF $800.000.00 TO YOU WITHOUT DELAY.

YOUR FULL NAME.......
YOUR ADDRESS..........
PRIVATE TELEPHONE................

PLEASE REMEMBER TO LET ME KNOW AS SOON AS YOU RECIEVE THE BANK DRAFT.

BEST REGARDS,
BARRISTER SOLOMON EKEH

.

*Pushes Spam Button*

Here is the Lotto. How many of you are fellow Millionaires? I actually get this one several times per week, for a real laugh.. Find all the english spelling and grammar errors:

FREE LOTTERY CORP., UNITED KINGDOM.

Dear Sir/Madam,
We wish to inform you that your email address emerged as one of our
winning email addresses in our promotional
sweepstakes held lately. Hence you have been declared a winner of the
winning sum payout of £1,356,000.00 Pound
Sterling which is equivalent to $2,876,000.00.
Inorder to claim your winning prize you are required to contact your
agent for your claim verification form which you
are to fillout. you can contact your agent with the information given
below.

Names of Agent: Mr. Terry Contti
Email: terry-cnt@hotmail.com or terry-cntt@excite.com
Phone: (+44)-7031849823 and 7024064239

All participants/winners of this online promotion programme were
selected randomly from various websites through
computer draw system and extracted from close to 200,000 Companies and
unions the are sponsors of our promotional
programme

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Free Lotto Awards is proudly sponsored by the Microsoft
Corporation, the Intel Group, Toshiba, Dell Computers, Mackintosh and
a conglomeration of other international IT
companies. The free lotto internet draw is held quarterly every year
and is so organized to encourage the use
of the internet and computers worldwide. We are proud
to say that over £200 Million Pounds are won annually in more than 150
countries worldwide. Millions are won on a
daily basis on one of the world's most famous free lotto service